An Equine Poem

When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.

When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.

When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.

When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.

When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.

When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.

When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.

When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.

When you are lonely, let me be your companion.

When you are tired, let me carry the load.

When you need to learn, let me teach you.

After all, I am your horse.

And now, the REAL story........

When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW.

When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.

When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in 40 acres I am hiding.

When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores.

When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.

When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.

When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.

When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those lions in the woods.

When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 900 lbs of YAHOO-let's-go distance horse can do when suitably inspired.

When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.

When you are tired, don't forget the 1000 lbs of hay that needs to be unloaded.

When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services, additional".

When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.

- - - - - author unknown

Top Ten Exercises to Become a Better Horseman...

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"

9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7. Jog long distances carying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See, hon. moving hay bales is FUN!" and, "no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."

4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the U.S. Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, " this is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.

Thanks to Verne Albright for "forwarding" this one! - October 20, 1999

Let thee and ye and me have a Horse Show!

One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks watching the horses frolic.

"I am certainly bored," stated John.

"Me too," Paul chimed in.

Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a horse show?"

Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.

"We will call up Satan and invite him to the horse show. I mean, we have all of the finest horses here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We are certain to win at the show!"

And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their horse show.

Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them. Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked.

"We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"

Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have all the judges!"

Thanks to Verne Albright for "forwarding" this one! - July 26, 1999

N. D. E.

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the store manager came and unplugged it.

Thank Goodness for heroes!

I Love Your Horse. What did he cost?
Thanks to Ruth Ann Catlin!  

Making a Statement?
Thanks to Ruth Herndon, Rimrock Ranch

This is Champana, at two weeks old, caught appearing to
"make a statement" toward her photographer.
Actually her mom was blessed with lots of milk and
she is trying to clean herself up after a wonderful lunch!

This palomino Peruvian Paso filly is daughter of palomino sire,
MSR Sher Khan and out of pretty chestnut, Rosa.
She is owned by Chuck & Ruth Herndon
of Rimrock Ranch, Mountain Ranch, CA.  

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer.

The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids.

No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.

Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper.

As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs.

Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

Of course, he was soon arrested for "rustling"......

...And all of us here know he had to have been riding a Peruvian Paso.....

... what other breed would tolerate all the rustling!

"This was sent to me by a friend that breeds dogs; all that you have to do is replace dog with horse, kennel with barn, etc. and it applies to horse addicts too. :-) Have a great day!" ......Charlotte

We have identified a new disease, probably caused by a virus, among dog (horse)- owning people. It apparently has been in existence for a considerable time, but only recently has science identified this disease, and begun study it. We call it the Acquired Canine (Equine) Obsessive Syndrome (AC (E) OS). At first, AC (E) OS was originally considered to be psychological in origin, but after two young researchers here suddenly decided to become show breeders, we realized that we were dealing with an infectious agent.

Epidemiologists here have identified three stages of this disease, and typical symptoms. Here are the stages and their symptoms as we know them today:

A.	You have early symptoms (Stage I) if: You think that any show within 300 miles is close by. You begin to enjoy getting up at 5 in the morning to walk and feed dogs (horses). It is fun to spend several hours a day grooming dogs (horses). You think you're being frugal if you spend less than $3000 dollars a year on shows. You can't remember what it was like to have just one dog (horse).
B.	You definitely have the disease (Stage II) if: Your most important factor when buying a car (truck) is how many crates(large a trailer) you can fit in it (tow with it). When you look for a house, the first thing you think of is how many dogs (horses) you can kennel (stable) on the property. Your dog (horse) food bill is higher than your family's. You spend as much on veterinarians as on doctors. You have no money because of showing dogs (horses). You have to buy more than one vehicle a year, because you keep burning out the 7 year or 70,000 miles warranty going to shows. You have more pictures of the dogs (horses)than of your family. Your idea of a fun vacation is to hit a show circuit. Most of your conversations revolve around the dogs (horses).
C.	You are a terminal case (Stage III) if: You wake up in the morning and find out that you put the kids in the crates (stalls), and the dogs (horses) in the beds last night. You know each dog's (horse's) name and pedigree, but can't figure out who that stranger in the house is, and it turns out to be your wife (or husband). Your neighbors keep insisting that that those kids running around your house (property) bothering the dogs (horses) are yours. You keep telling the kids to "heel" ("whoa"), and can't understand why they won't, and why they keep objecting to the choke chain (lead line). You cash in the kid's college trust fund to campaign the dogs (horses). You've been on the road showing so long that you can't remember where you live. Your family tells you "It's either the dogs (horses) or us!", and you choose the dogs (horses).

Do you have this dread disease? Well there is hope. In the course of our research, we have found that most cases seem to stop at stage II, and remain chronic. We have, with great difficulty, managed to acquire several Stage III AC(E)OS patients. They are currently in our isolation wards, where we are studying them to gain a better understanding of this disease.

It is a sad sight, seeing these formerly vibrant people as they shuffle around their rooms in endless triangle or L-patterns, making odd hand motions (delusionally holding a leash?(lead line?), and making chirping (kissing) noises or repetitively saying "cookie" in a high pitched voice. Merely saying the word "Westminster" can send them into an uncontrollable frenzy.

Unfortunately, there isn't much hope for these cases, but with time and research, we hope to further understand this disease, and come up with a cure. We are now attempting to isolate the causative agent, and may be able to develop a vaccine in the future.

An interesting sidelight of this disease seems to be that exposure at an early age has an immunizing effect. Several people afflicted with AC(E)OS at Stage II and Stage III have close family members (children, wives, husbands) who have absolutely no signs of the disease. It is thought by some of our reseachers that this may be due to some environmental effects, to an age-related immune function, or may be due to the fact that people in these stages of the disease tend not to associate with their close family members, due possibly to the memory deficit induced by the disease -- that is, in laymen's terms, they don't remember that they have close family members!

What can you do to prevent this disease? Until a cure is found, prevention is the best measure. Avoid kennels (stables) advertising "show stock", since it may be that dogs (horses) are carriers of the disease. Leave contact with an AC(E)OS afflicted person, leave as soon as possible (they do tend to cling), and thoroughly shower, preferably with a germicidal soap. If you are living with one, take comfort in the fact that if you haven't succumbed yet, you are probably safe. 

10) When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, "Monkey?"

9) Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber glove.

8) Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!

7) Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.

6) Always saying "I've got a tick in my pants."

5) Sends you a card every spring: "Time for your dog's annual neutering."

4) First question, "What ails your varmint?"

3) He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.

2) He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped dog collars.

1) He bites! 

A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
(from a Caballo-L member posting)

Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

There's more ways to skin a cat than stickin' his head in a boot jack and jerkin' on his tail.

Some ranchers raise pigs and some will even admit it. Either way, they're raisin' pigs.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Tellin' a man to go to hell and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

Generally speakin', fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.

Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you're gonna go...go like hell. If your mind's not made up, don't use your spurs.